BAD OUTDOOR MOMMIE
Mommie feeds the outdoor cats by the back door. She used to put me in the bathroom and shut both doors. Now she just sets a bowl of food in front of me and feeds the cats.
it out and just waited till Mommie opened the back door. She poured the milk and I slipped out. Not so clever. My outdoor mommie turned on me and hissed like crazy. She protects what food they get because she knows that I get more and better food inside. Before
Mommie had to rescue me, I ran inside as fast as I could.
The look on Mommie’s face said “I told you so.” Lesson learned.
MOMMIE FINALLY GOT IT
Mommie worried that I wasn’t eating
much. The truth is that the food tray was right next to my litter box. Would you want to eat in your bathroom? I think not. Once she figured it out she put the food tray five feet away and I ate in comfort.
The litter box: Doesn’t Mommie know
that you should clean the litter box often? She was upset when I went potty on the floor right next to the litter box, but that litter box was AWFUL. I didn’t want to get you-know-what under my claws. I clean my claws often, but y-u-c-k.
Mommie a thing or two and she teaches me a thing or two.
MY HIDEY HOLES
Mommie doesn’t know it, but I have a couple “hidey holes” where I store my stuff. One of them is big enough for me to hide in.
If I get too much bigger though, that may become a problem, but for now it is perfect.
So far I have hidden a few dead spiders (the only kind I like), some stale popcorn, a couple big dust bunnies, and one of Mommie’s socks in my biggest hidey
hole. The sock is really fun to play with because it is so soft and cuddly, however it does take up a lot of space.
Everybody ought to have at least one hidey hole where they can “store” things that are important to them, but which may be
considered garbage by someone else.
%$#%^&*> DANG BLASTED COLLAR
Mommie bought me this ugly fluorescent orange thing called a cat collar. Mommie must be getting old because she had a difficult time getting the
package open. When she finally got it open, she couldn’t get the collar fixed big enough to go over my head.
She should have told me to put my paws over my ears because she said a lot of bad words. She said the Petco staff would help her.
I know God answers prayers. For now he answered mine instead of Mommie’s.
IT’S NOT MY FAULT
How do I know how the telephone landed on the floor or how the mail got “rearranged” on the desk?
It wasn’t me. Besides the telephone weighs three times what I do. How could I possibly get it on the floor? About the mail: The pile was about to topple over anyway, so it really wasn’t my fault – right?
Okay. I’ll admit to the
getting-tangled-in-the-curtain episode. After all, Mommie had to rescue me. BUT, again too much temptation for such a little guy as me. The curtain hangs to the floor and the tie-back in the middle is red, my favorite color. I just had to get to it. Mommie
said she would overlook the snags this time. She said it pretty loud, so I think she means it. Besides, I don’t like being tied up in a curtain.
MY EMAIL and FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS
Mommie got me an email
account. After all her beloved 11 year old German Shepherd, Woffier, had one. He also had a facebook account.
Mommie said the email account application had an interesting question – Sex – Male, Female, Other? I got signed
in as “other.” Ha Ha. The gays will probably be after me.
Wait till Mommie puts my picture on facebook! I know little old ladies with a dozen cats will love me.
SPARKLES CATNIPPER on facebook.
SMART PHONE, DUMB MOMMIE
Here’s the picture: Mommie’s red smart phone lying on the bed.
This phone is programmed to call by pressing one number
My favorite color is red
You guessed it! I called Mommie’s voice mail. First there was this ringing tone (sounds a lot like purring) and then there was this voice vibrating on my feet. Boy, did I run! That scared the you-know-what
out of me!
Half an hour later Mommie came to pick up her cell phone. You should have heard the words that woman (yes, my Mommie) said. Mommie would wash my mouth out if I said any of them.
I don’t get it. She said I “wasted”
thirty of HER minutes. How come she gets all of the minutes and I don’t get any? Besides, how do you waste minutes?.
I MET THE NEIGHBOR
Yesterday when Mommie’s neighbor came over
to talk she brought along this BIG goofy looking animal called a dog. The outside cats warned me about such an animal because they bark. His bark curled my tail! Mommie, you scolded me when I hissed at it, but that was just instinct.
That animal's name is Sparky which almost sounds like my name. He had the craziest looking huge pink flower on a pink collar. Mommie said he is a boy, but he looked like a girl in that getup. When he heard me snicker he just picked me
up by the scruff of my neck and carried me along. He didn't really bite, but that was SCARY.
Mommie said Sparky has a sister cat named Sissy and a people sister named Melanie. I hope when I get to meet them, they are nicer than Sparky.
GRANDDADDY LONG LEGS
I saw this huge bug crawling around on the floor. It had eight legs! Mommie said it was a “granddaddy long legs” and it looked pretty fearsome to me.
By its size I think it would be like a bull dog to Mommie.
Mommie told me “no” even though it is not poisonous, but I pushed it along the floor anyway. Then it tried to run. Guess what! I am faster than a granddaddy
long legs. He got squished. I had to go clean my paws and Mommie had to clean up another one of my messes.
I OUTSMARTED MOMMIE
When Mommie feeds the outside cats, she puts a plate of food in front of me
thinking I will concentrate on that and not hear her feeding them.
WRONG! Yesterday I pretended to eat and when the time was right I went straight to the back door. I slipped out when Mommie was picking up the dirty milk dish.
Mommie said: Sparkles, you naughty kittie, get back in the house right now! I did.
Well, today, she went back to the “shutting me in the bathroom” routine. Mommie, I guess you forgot that there are two doors
to the bathroom. All I had to do was go out the other bathroom door. I almost made it out the back door but probably luckily for me, she was done and coming back in.
Mommie: I didn’t forget. Tomorrow the OTHER door
will be shut too.
MOMMIE IS CONFUSED
Don’t tell her I said so, but I think Mommie is confused. There is this chair in the laundry room next to the screen door that I look out of.
Chairs are meant to be sat in, not used as a storage shelf – right? The problem was that there was a mound of “things” in the chair and I couldn’t just sit in it and look out. What were a toilet bowl brush, an empty dog
food can, a nearly empty bleach jug, dryer sheets, several forks, and odds and ends of wash cloths doing in the chair?
It took me a while, but I slowly pushed out everything that was in the chair and now I can sit in it. I shoved out one piece
at a time so Mommie really didn’t notice that the chair was slowly getting empty. Was she surprised when she woke up this morning and found me sleeping in the chair – all alone! She brought me a folded towel so the seat is rather comfy
now. Imagine sitting on a toilet bowl brush (shivers).
You know what? Mommie found a new home for everything that was on the floor and I got a new lookout post.
Mommie kept her
promise to THINK about letting me go outside with the outside cats. Yesterday was the first day she let me out for about ten minutes. Then she called me in. The apron strings are still short.
But I'm FREE! I got to play with
the black angel. He really isn't so bad, but he does have a lousy sense of humor. He taunted and teased me the entire time I was outside. I did get to see some cute little kittens that couldn't have been more than three or four weeks old.
They barely had their eyes open. It was fun to play with them, because I could boss them around and tease them.
My outdoor mommie, who I saw through the screen door, took me around to see the area. She showed me where they slept at
night and where they found their mice (yuk!). She told me a little about the "family" structure. She is the matriarch – in other words, the boss. All of the other cats around are her children or grandchildren. She is particularly
proud of the black angel. I didn't tell her my opinion because I really think that, if I am going to survive out here, I am going to need her "protection".
Mommie watches this noisy,
bright thing called a television. I do my best exploring when she is watching it. She gets so engrossed in the shows that she forgets where I might be.
Of course, when something goes “thump” she immediately puts the show
on pause and goes looking for me. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it is me into something I shouldn’t be in. Once it was the cats outside that made a loud “thud”. But of course, I got blamed for the noise. It took Mommie
a long time to figure out it wasn’t me that time.
Sometimes I like to sit on Mommie’s lap when she is watching. She does some of her best petting when she is “into” the show she is watching. Mommie calls to me when
she sees a cat on TV. Those cats on TV are so phony. I would be ashamed to wear what some of those cats wear. Mommie says she likes me the way I am.
Thank you Mommie.