LESSONS FOR SPARKLES

THE GPS

Mommie’s insurance agent moved to an office closer to the agent’s home. Yesterday the insurance agent called and asked Mommie to come in to sign papers for the new insurance company for the house insurance. Mommie turned on the GPS to find the shortest route to the agent’s house.

Pretty soon as I was riding in my visiting cage, I heard several really, really bad words from Mommie in the driver’s seat. “This (censored) GPS is leading me north of town when I know the agent moved to the south part. I haven’t been there yet, but I know my streets.”

Every once in a while I heard: “TURN LEFT 100 FT. TURN RIGHT AT THE NEXT INTERSECTION, etc.” Then all of a sudden the voice said: “ERROR, RESET YOUR GPS. MAKE A U TURN AND GO BACK”.

Mommie tried to shut the GPS off, but was unable to get that woman to shut up. Apparently she was going to continue talking until we got to our destination. Mommie finally stopped the car on the side of the street and turned off the engine, but as soon as she turned it back on the voice came back. She tried to use a different app – the blue tooth – anything to get away from that woman. No luck. That woman (Mommie called her a really bad name) wouldn’t shut up!

Mommie went the way she thought she should and we got there as fast as we could. The voice finally said: “YOU ARE AT YOUR DESTINATION.” And, we were.

I think if that GPS woman had been in the car, Mommie would be in jail now and I would be an orphan – again.

A BIRD IN HAND . . . . 

Mommie was trying to be philosophical with a friend when she said the “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush” adage.

Ok, ok, I don't go after birds. They are too flighty (he he). But I do believe that a mouse in the mouth is worth much more than two in the mouse hole. Would you believe Patches actually let a mouse go free when he was trying to catch two of them that were still in the hole. I wouldn't believe it either except I know Patches. He is a dunce some times. I enjoyed the mouse he let go while he struggled (unsuccessfully) to catch the two that were still loose. 

Patches glared at me when he realized I had “his” mouse. He was preparing a whopper of a lecture for me, but I beat him to the punch. I took a couple bites from the mouse and let him have the rest. 

Aren't I just the nicest cat around!!  

THE EARLY BIRD 

Mommie said she read about a neat garage sale that featured quite a few antiques in which Mommie is interested. Then I heard Mommie telling her friend she was going to the sale early because she knows people put out their best in the morning and these items get snapped up very quickly. Of course, she said “the early bird gets the worm.”

Mommie wants WORMS? – I don't get it. Even I won't eat worms but I know some birds that do. Patches, as dumb as he is, won't eat worms either. Although I think Loud Mouth might. Slimy little creatures that crawl on the sidewalk and get smashed by kids on their way home from school. UGH!!

After a while Mommie explained that “the early bird gets the worm” means: if someone is looking for something, if she gets there ahead of others, she will get it instead of the late comer.

THE GARAGE SALE

Mommie had a garage sale a couple weeks ago, but the garage is still here. I thought when people sell things the buyer takes it with them. But here it is, still attached to the house and full of the other stuff that Mommie couldn't get rid of – er, I mean sell. Good thing too, because my favorite “blankie” is lying on top of some shoes that didn't sell.

I am going to take the blankie some time when Mommie is away and put it where it belongs – in my favorite nesting place. This is a little nest where the tree branches come together in a fork (that's another story). For a long time I had my blankie there, but Loud Mouth ripped it out of the tree and threw it on the ground.

Mommie washed it up and tried to sell it, but nobody wanted it. Whew!!! Of course, during the sale I was sitting on top of it and growled every time someone even touched it – when Mommie wasn't nearby. I would never forgive Loud Mouth if someone had taken my blankie.

Mommie has her own blankie – her cell phone (lol).

COOKIES CRUMBLE

Crumbling cookies!! Did someone say crumbling cookies? I LOVE cookies. Don't you?

Of course Mommie had said “that's the way the cookie crumbles”. I didn't see any cookies, crumbled or otherwise. What did she mean? Is she going to bring me cookies? If she is, I hope they are coconut cookies – they are the tastiest. Yum yum!!!

Mommie likes chocolate chip cookies. I probably won't get any if they are chocolate chip because Mommie will eat my share – with a mouth stuffed with cookies and saying: “Sparkles, you need to watch your diet; I will help you by eating your share.”

After discussing it with Patches we decided it was some saying that only humans understand because we didn't see any cookies coming our way.

MOMMIE'S NEW EARS 

Sparkles! Get off that pile of papers in the office! Right NOW!!”, Mommie yelled. She was calling from the kitchen. Yesterday she couldn't hear me if she stood in the doorway to the office.

What is going on? Even last night it was scary. Mommie heard me scratching on the front door and she heard me while standing in the kitchen. I thought Mommie was kind of deaf. Uncle Tom can hear me from anywhere in the house, but Mommie had to be within a few feet before she could hear me.

I have a feeling life is not going to be the same since Mommie got her new “ears”. I heard her and Uncle Tom discussing how much better Mommie could hear since she got new ears. I will have to be much quieter or quit doing some of the things I used to do when Mommie couldn't hear – like jumping of the pile of papers in the office. She will probably hear me when I jump up on Uncle Tom's favorite chair, too.

Patches doesn't do anything challenging anyway, but “challenge” is my middle name and I WILL find a way to do things a little more quiet now.

Sparkles “Challenge” Catnipper – has kind of a neat ring to it doesn't it?

THE MONEY TREE 

Mommie took me to PetCo to look at some new toys for me – at least that is what I thought. She bought an automatic litter box instead. When I wanted to linger at the stuffed mice section Mommie said “You can't have that. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.”

Later in the day Mommie went to the bank drive thru. She put in a blue card into a fat metal machine and out popped m-o-n-e-y. Would you believe that money doesn't grow on real trees? It grows IN metal trees.

These trees have big metal boxes on top of stout metal trunks. I wonder who feeds these trees. Do they need water? How does the metal tree make money? I wish Mommie planted one of these “trees” in the backyard. That way I could have that new stuffed mouse I wanted. If she did she would probably buy a new “smart” phone first anyway.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

Mommie was talking on the phone to her friend when I heard her say “You know Barrett better watch what he is doing. He should remember 'curiosity killed the cat'.”

Oh no! Who died? Whose cat? How did he get killed? Who is curiosity? I was going around in circles trying to figure it out. I knew I had to get in touch with Loud Mouth. He wanders the neighborhood and thinks he knows all the gossip.

I told Patches what I heard and he just snorted. He said “get a grip, that is just an old saying that warns people not to be so snoopy”. How do I know what is just a saying and what is the truth. How do I know that there isn't someone out there that kills cats? If I am too curious am I going to get killed?

If I run across anyone (or animal) named Curiosity I am going to run for my life!!!

 

MOMMIE PULLED A HAM STRING

I heard Mommie tell her neighbor that she had pulled a ham string. That's strange cause Mommie won't eat pork, so why would she have a ham string? On her right leg?

I saw ham strings on the ham that Kevin and Keith (the twins) had for dinner when their mommie cooked a ham for the neighborhood barbeque. They were twisted around and around the ham and then wrapped the opposite way like miniature tic-tac-toe squares – I guess to keep it from falling apart.

Now Mommie says the ham strings hurt so bad she can hardly walk. Mommie, just get rid of the strings, DUH. Mommie explained: “You see, hamstrings are muscles in the upper back thigh area. When these muscles get stretched too much they hurt.” Mommie complained: “I carried a sack of cement the wrong way and I also bent over without bending my knees to pick the last of the tomatoes.”

I heard the doctor tell Mommie that the pain could last 2-4 weeks. Oh no, two weeks (maybe four) of whining why Mommie can't lift me up when she walks. I will just have to sit on her lap more and be more loving. She needs it right now.

I love Mommie.

PICTURE = 1000 WORDS 

Mommie likes to say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Boy, is she right. All along Patches has pretended to be afraid of heights and water. So what does he do: He sits in a sink. Even I am not that crazy.

I don't mind heights, but I do mind water. I hate cold water. Every encounter I have had with water has not had a happy ending for me. I have skated on cold water, had cold water poured on me, had irrigation water spraying me, and I have tasted HOT water. The only time I drink water is after it has set for at least an hour.

Well, Mommie took a picture of Patches in the bathroom sink. He has claimed he can't jump high enough to get to the counter. NOT TRUE. I saw the picture, Patches, and pictures don't lie. And, I don't think Mommie knows how to photoshop very well. So it must be true – Patches can jump and he is not afraid of water.

P.S. Maybe Patches doesn't know that sink faucets are where water comes from? Ya think?

MY NEW BEDROOM

I have a whole new bedroom. All to myself. One day when Mommie was gone I went snooping around the house. And there it was!! My new bedroom.

Would you believe I have WHOLE room to myself. Patches can't get anywhere near it because he is too fat. It does take a little effort to get there, but even Mommie can't get there. First, I have to jump on Mommie's office chair, then onto the antique roll top desk and then up to the loft.

This new room is a loft located in Mommie's office. It is carpeted and everything. When Mommie built the house she opened up a loft which is on top of the back stairway. This stairway had part of it going down to the basement and part of it up to the main floor. She says she made it in case anyone had children who would like a nifty play area.

The room actually has a small stairway but that entrance to my room is filled with JUNK. It is open to the office so I can see what is going on all around the office and out the two windows. It is an unobstructed view.

I love Mommie.  

BEATS ME 

Mommie was talking to a friend on the phone the other day when she said: “it beats me why Fred (the neighbor) would try to plant corn next to the creek bed. Doesn't he know that in most springtimes the creek overflows at least 50 feet past the creek bed. He said he read the 'Farmer's Almanac' and it said it wouldn't flood next year. I guess he really believes in that book.”

Who is going to beat Mommie? Nobody beats my Mommie and gets away with it. I didn't know Mommie had made any enemies that would want to beat her. She is one of the sweetest persons around. You know how she treats me – never roughly, always gently.

Mommie, please tell me who is going to beat you so I can get ready with my claws. (Good thing you didn't have me de-clawed.) You know I would do anything to keep you safe.

P-u-u-r-r-r.  

KNOCK - KNOCK

Hey! Guess What!! I learned how to knock on the front door and Mommie will let me in the house. I don't have to wait out in the cold any more. Whenever she hears me knocking she comes running.

I couldn't believe it when it worked the first time. I stood by the front door and grabbed the grate on the screen door. It must be a little loose or something because I was able to pull on it and the door bounced back to the frame and went “knock, knock”.

Then I heard Mommie coming up to the front door. When she looked out and didn't see anyone she went back to the kitchen. I pulled again and the door went knock, knock. Mommie came running this time. After she looked out the door and didn't see anyone she looked down and saw me. She was really surprised to think I could knock on the door.

Now I hear her on the phone bragging about how I can knock on the door when I want in. I heard Mommie tell Uncle Tom NOT to fix the front door.

I love Mommie!!

 

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24.06 | 17:14

Mommie, I am glad you are back! I was beginning to worry.

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Other places charge for these. Thanks.

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Interesting concept. I am sending an envelope with my name, address, and stamp on it so I can receive these for free.

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